i should of written this last week, sorry.

I should of written this last weekend yet no inspiration came, or may it was just the unmotivated state I was in. It seems that rather than getting up early I seem to doom scroll on Youtube or Instagram….daily. At night. In the Morning. And in the Evening. Just looking for inspiration but it’s actually a hit of boredom and laziness and deep inside I feel….guilty for it. And it makes me feel more un-motivated than ever, scared to death, and unproductive as heck comparing myself to those online I see yet I am invisible for them behind my screen addiction that everytime my mother mentions it I say, “No it’s not an addiction” or “Mom, I didn’t use my phone as much today” when I scrolled the last hour looking at pretty bookshelves, horse jumping, and 101 tips and tricks that don’t seem to work for me at all.

Really. It’s been what, eight months? Was it always like this? Eight months of “This is my rocking year!” Ha. No. I was very, very, very wrong at least, maybe for now as I see things from my point of perspective. No, It’s not lack of motivation. Rather it’s discipline, making things harder for me rather than easier, wanting to be there but really not being there. It’s not lack of “wanting” I have plenty it’s more lack of consistency. It’s not lack of goals, but failing everytime i’m so close it plummets down so hard that it sets me back.Why don’t I feel like myself anymore? I mean I’m still me but I’m lacking, person. I’m lacking who I am as I am and nurturing me.I want to do so much but it’ still that lingering thought of waking up late, going to sleep late, not being consistent in the gym.

The other day I left my phone at home, recently, like, yesterday. We were going to my brother’s soccer practice after 5:30PM or it was about that time and we were early so we stopped for milkshakes but during the whole ride I was talking, looking at the cars, being me without taking pictures of random stuff and useless, pointless, and unnecessary things. Really, I read without picking p my phone to take pictures of what I just read, highlighted, or annotated, my comments and thoughts were kept for me and my mind. After we came back home I was till 1AM scrolling on YT and well I was looking again at the pointless. At random things of motivation that only motivate you in the moment rather than life changing, and I have tried making the change myself but then I ask a question that I recent heard someone else ask, Do you actually like doing the things you do, or are you in love with the idea of it?

I’m going to be honestly honest, I do not write 1K words every single day and no I do not write every single day. Yes, I skip a day or maybe even two because we are all human, we are not AI. Not to mention I do not write 2K words a day either, I do write 2K words but no every single day. I enjoy the process of writing enthrall me, and yes I set goals of something I certainly want to write but IF I only write a sentence for the day, I am happy because it is something, and maybe I will comeback to it later. But it you write more than 2K words a day, my props and claps to you, I am happy for you. I let writing just be and express with the words I know how to describe it, or well I do but my lack of vocabulary, does not let me properly describe it how I wish to do. I am not in love with the idea of writing, but yes maybe to the gym. My lack of consistency is one that I am trying to fix.

Today is Sunday, we are driving back of Dallas/Frisco from two days being here due to my brother having soccer practice/tournament. And I have a exam tomorrow a three hour test and needing to speed study all my topics until we arrive to my house. My dog is beside me, I saw some of my family while we ate a restaurant, and I am thinking about how bad I wish to write, film, and study. I want to go to a library and buy all the books I wish to read, quite literally. and I ask myself this question a hundredth times over, “What is is that I wish to do with my life?” The other day, I was trying to write a song, and I noticed that I am super badat producing, producing is making the beats in a studio and I have no experience at all. Now my book stands at 23,017 words. I will take it as it is a good sign and I am grateful for it. I want to do some many thing that I leave everything midway! I do not need to look for inspiration and wait wait wait wait wait. It only seems that my life is so slow because I have to much time and I only end up wasting it scrolling.

Do I really need to work harder? Smarter? Exhausting myself? Do I need to define what I want?

It’s not what I need but what I want. It’s not what I have but what am I in pursuit of? I know I want to write, create, and inspire. I don’t want to stay stuck to one single thing. I want to write books, create films, help people,ride horses, compete, travel, write songs about God, open an art gallery, a cafe, go read books, go listen to the operas, symphonies, Frank Sinatra nights, and buy a flip phone!

I want to do so much in this head of mine bt the only thing that is stopping myself is me. I can even add more skill if needed into the pot that I am sharpening (no idea if I can sharpen a pot).

Then why do I feel stuck in my book? Is it my phone? Is it me? Is it how I live, speak, eat? Am I not myself anymore because of the tiny discrepancies of my life? Do I need more of Jesus?

I will part with this,

-SMS