11:30PM monologue

why is it that the self comparison is at the back my head not whispering but screaming, crying, yelling, agonizing for me to hear, just to the point where I keep on convincing myself to not compare and still I am a hypocrite to doing so,

I’m so immature.

Immature in the way I act sometimes,

Bold for me to say that I hate what I am,

Not in a negative of positive way but in a neutral way, at least how I am typing this now.

Today was the day where I found out and asked the question,

Why is it that I just want and want and want and not be content with what I have? Why is it that my identity is being stripped away until I am bare and my skin  kisses the cold air?

It feels like I  am consuming something that is not brinign me the benefit of motivation but the unwanting of my image.

Its like a spiral growing and growing and growing only getting larger by the second,

Because it’s a constant struggle of why? Why am I not not good enough? Why am I not motivated to write what I love and express myself how I wish to and to act the way I want to be because that is the person that I just am! So be it if nobody likes me or even hates me.

And if I say something it is seen as ungrateful, selfish, foolish child that I am, at least in my understanding of the velocity of my thinking rather than my fingers typing slow.

I seem to think that everything is immediate, there, already built, But I know it is not, I know nothing is quick, nothing is just there because it is there. It is our actions that take us where we are right now.

I admit that I am guilty of of such behavior. That I am human. And yet I seem not to change and stay there and that frustrates me so much! Even more than my own self of being.

Comparing does not lead to satisfaction,

It leads to unhappiness. Unhappiness is not what I want.

Am I happy? Yes, but there is always a but involve in which I hate that I decide to not live in the present and live past beyond. Perhaps I am too ambitious of a child, my ideas are too big, or grandiose. I do not hold how to hold up a conversation properly and that may be taken to a fault with others.

That but lingers deep within my storm. A crescendo that does not stop growing. And yes I do have God and my family. I am grateful but yet tears swell in my eyes of just writing this voracious words that seemed to be pent up inside me for a while.

Unhappiness. Expression. Emotions. Ungratefulness. Gratefulness. Behavior. Thinking. Comparison. Satisfaction.

All of this for what? For all the cycles, seasons, and paths that I have been walking through it’s so stupid to be repeating over and over and damn over again. To loose something that seems so far away, that you do not know if you can get it back or not? Why?

Why is it that I scream, yell, have attitudes, push away people, insecure, confident, shy, brave, bold, poetic, paranoid, nerveous, funny, complex person I am in the bubble of the moment. If the creator (God) made us and molded us why did we not come with an instruction manual? You may think it’s the Bible. I think he should of set a “how to control your emotions 101”

If what I am is not enough for me, can it be enough for others around me who seem affected by me and my own persona? Because every time I try to better myself and stay consistent with short things that seems to improve the tower crumbles.